Halloween is…
Halloween. The mere mention of the word would bring a myriad of images to any person’s mind. Most people may see images of children dressed in well thought out costumes, beautifully carved jack-o-lanterns and amazing fireworks spring to the fore in his or her mind. However, if you were to visit my neighborhood, you would see that the true Halloween is much different than these images. So, if you would like to learn more about what Halloween is like around my house, please read on.
Ding-dong…trick-or-treat comes the call from my front door. Milo, my cat, scurries for a cover to hide himself as I think to myself that it might be different this year and that maybe I will see some original costumes for a change. As I open the door in anticipation I am once again confronted by a collection of tacky Wal-Mart costumes. Oooo scary, a tiny storm trooper in a $10 costume; oooo cute, a tacky princess is a dressmade of crepe paper; oooo ferocious, a dinosaur in a cheap plastic costume. Halloween costumes have not improved this year. At least these people put some effort into their costumes. The collection of beggars who arrive at my door wearing uniforms from their sports teams are truly pathetic. When I asked one boy in his football uniform what he was supposed be he replied, “A dead football player.” It is pathetic that these beggars have the audacity to expect me to give them candy for their feeble attempts at a costume.
As I arise on the morning after Halloween I am confronted by the true carnage of Halloween. The great pumpkin slaughter has once again blighted our fair city. As I tour my neighborhood the remains of pumpkins can be seen strewn across the landscape. My drive to work confirms that the devastation is widespread and far-reaching. All along my route of travel the reminders of the devastation are in evidence. The rotting carcasses of murdered pumpkins litter the streets. What a waste this annual ritual is! First we take a perfectly good pumpkin and scoop and throw away all the nutritious insides. Next we carve a hideously lopsided face into the pumpkin turning it into a jack-o-lantern. We them leave the disfigured and rotting pumpkin on the steps to either rot into a pile of oozing goo, or be spirited off and murdered by marauding packs of hooligan teenagers. So take pity upon the poor abused Halloween pumpkin.
Fireworks — I love fireworks. Who doesn’t love fireworks? Fireworks are an amazing and artful display of color and sound. Fireworks are a symphony for the eyes and a delight for the senses, but only when professionals present them. Traditionally, Halloween has been a holiday associated with fireworks. At Halloween every Tom, Dick and Harry rushes off to the fireworks store to purchase over-priced and under-performing fireworks. Joy and anticipation fuel the audience prior to the evening’s spectacle; however, once the fireworks show begins anticipation is soon displaced by disappointment. The fireworks never live up to the hype and hyperbole that the salesman described them with. Burning schoolhouse — yah, right. For thirty dollars a pop I want to see tiny burning mechanical children running from the building. I want the Roman Candles and bombs soar high into the sky before exploding with a flash of color; however, the Roman candles that I buy usually seem to be duds that launch and couple of feeble balls into the sky prior to expiring well before the promised quota. So the next time you get the hankering for a Halloween fireworks show, take my advice and give it a pass. You’ll thank me for it.
Halloween is my least favourite holidays of the year. Tacky costumes, slaughtered pumpkins, and pathetic fireworks are too often the norm for this dismal excuse for a holiday. If I never have to hear the word Halloween again I would be happy, and I am sure the world would be a better place without this tacky and tasteless holiday.
Halloween. The mere mention of the word would bring a myriad of images to any person’s mind. Most people may see images of children dressed in well thought out costumes, beautifully carved jack-o-lanterns and amazing fireworks spring to the fore in his or her mind. However, if you were to visit my neighborhood, you would see that the true Halloween is much different than these images. So, if you would like to learn more about what Halloween is like around my house, please read on.
Ding-dong…trick-or-treat comes the call from my front door. Milo, my cat, scurries for a cover to hide himself as I think to myself that it might be different this year and that maybe I will see some original costumes for a change. As I open the door in anticipation I am once again confronted by a collection of tacky Wal-Mart costumes. Oooo scary, a tiny storm trooper in a $10 costume; oooo cute, a tacky princess is a dressmade of crepe paper; oooo ferocious, a dinosaur in a cheap plastic costume. Halloween costumes have not improved this year. At least these people put some effort into their costumes. The collection of beggars who arrive at my door wearing uniforms from their sports teams are truly pathetic. When I asked one boy in his football uniform what he was supposed be he replied, “A dead football player.” It is pathetic that these beggars have the audacity to expect me to give them candy for their feeble attempts at a costume.
As I arise on the morning after Halloween I am confronted by the true carnage of Halloween. The great pumpkin slaughter has once again blighted our fair city. As I tour my neighborhood the remains of pumpkins can be seen strewn across the landscape. My drive to work confirms that the devastation is widespread and far-reaching. All along my route of travel the reminders of the devastation are in evidence. The rotting carcasses of murdered pumpkins litter the streets. What a waste this annual ritual is! First we take a perfectly good pumpkin and scoop and throw away all the nutritious insides. Next we carve a hideously lopsided face into the pumpkin turning it into a jack-o-lantern. We them leave the disfigured and rotting pumpkin on the steps to either rot into a pile of oozing goo, or be spirited off and murdered by marauding packs of hooligan teenagers. So take pity upon the poor abused Halloween pumpkin.
Fireworks — I love fireworks. Who doesn’t love fireworks? Fireworks are an amazing and artful display of color and sound. Fireworks are a symphony for the eyes and a delight for the senses, but only when professionals present them. Traditionally, Halloween has been a holiday associated with fireworks. At Halloween every Tom, Dick and Harry rushes off to the fireworks store to purchase over-priced and under-performing fireworks. Joy and anticipation fuel the audience prior to the evening’s spectacle; however, once the fireworks show begins anticipation is soon displaced by disappointment. The fireworks never live up to the hype and hyperbole that the salesman described them with. Burning schoolhouse — yah, right. For thirty dollars a pop I want to see tiny burning mechanical children running from the building. I want the Roman Candles and bombs soar high into the sky before exploding with a flash of color; however, the Roman candles that I buy usually seem to be duds that launch and couple of feeble balls into the sky prior to expiring well before the promised quota. So the next time you get the hankering for a Halloween fireworks show, take my advice and give it a pass. You’ll thank me for it.
Halloween is my least favourite holidays of the year. Tacky costumes, slaughtered pumpkins, and pathetic fireworks are too often the norm for this dismal excuse for a holiday. If I never have to hear the word Halloween again I would be happy, and I am sure the world would be a better place without this tacky and tasteless holiday.