Thanksgiving is…
In mentioning the word Thanksgiving a variety of images come to mind. Images of a loving family surrounding an impeccably set table covered in a host of delectable foods might pop into your head; in essence, the picture of Thanksgiving that is presented in most lifestyle magazines. If you come for Thanksgiving at my house be prepared for a departure from this magazine perfection however. The actual Thanksgiving at my house is nothing like that at Martha Stewart’s house. In fact it is the exact opposite.
Have you ever seen pictures of the perfect table in the Martha Stewart Living Magazine or other similar magazines? What about the perfection that is presented on the various Food Network programs? Well, the table settings and decorations at my house this Thanksgiving were nothing like those pictures in magazines or on television. The table at my house was nothing short of tacky. How to describe the table at my house? Well let’s start with the table itself. The table was too small and had one leg shorter that the others. This caused it to tilt and rock at inopportune moments. The centerpiece, designed by my artistically challenged nephew, was neither stylish nor cute. In fact it was downright frightening. At each place were a mishmash of chipped plates and cheap tacky cutlery purchased at a from the markdown aisle of the dollar store. Then there were the candles. This brings me back to the rickety table, which when bumped by a visiting hound from hell, caused the flaming candle to tumble over setting ablaze the awful nephew designed centerpiece. Which was actually something to be thankful for! If you thought that Thanksgiving could not get any worse, be prepared to be amazed.
If the table and decorations are an important part of the Thanksgiving experience, then the food is of even greater importance. This past Thanksgiving the food was absolutely perfect — and if you believe this then I have some swampland to sell you in Florida. In actual fact the dinner was nothing short of vile. There were two kinds of food at Thanksgiving dinner this year: good foods poorly prepared and vile foods poorly prepared. In examining the menu let’s start with the turkey. The word dry comes to mind. So too does the word burnt. However, the firemen who visited the house to put out the oven fire probably would use the word incendiary. What was salvaged from the charred remains of the bird was then smothered in gravy — Mmm gravy. Well at someone else’s house you might enjoy the gravy; however, at my house the gravy is a tasteless, lumpy ooze. Now let’s examine the vile foods. There were bowls of Brussel Sprouts covered in slivered almonds and fried in delicious bacon. However, nothing can be added to cover the fact that these vile green vegetables are really just alien brains harvested at AREA 51 and sold to an unsuspecting public by our corporate masters from the military/industrial complex in an evil plot to turn us into mindless slaves. Yes, Brussel sprouts are that bad. Of course compared to turnip, Brussel Sprouts are nothing. Turnip, or as alternately known Soylent Orange, is the most vile food on this planet. As anyone knows, the main ingredient of Soylent Green products was — people. That’s right, PEOPLE! What turnip actually is I do not want to know? So the next time you sit down to a wonderful Thanksgiving meal, give thanks that your digestive system is not exposed to any food from our meal.
If the table and food are important to Thanksgiving, then family is the most important thing about Thanksgiving. After all, isn’t any holiday really about family? How would I begin to describe my family? Well, words such as inbred, drooling, slack-jawed, and yokel spring to mind. So do the words drunken and hillbilly. Every family get-together ends much the same. Drunken relatives fighting over the insignificant slights usually more in their schizophrenic imaginations than in reality. The fights invariably escalate into full-scale donnybrooks that result in calls to 911 and a visit to the police station to bail out Aunt Milly or Uncle Slim (who of course is 350 lbs.). My family has become so infamous that the local police have taken to stationing a cruiser outside my house during Thanksgiving to intercede in the inevitable drunken brawls that spill out into the cul-de-sac. No Thanksgiving at my house would be complete without the inclusion of that ragtag brood of miscreants that I have the displeasure to call family.
Mention the word Thanksgiving and definite images pop into my mind. Images of the perfect Martha Stewart Thanksgiving vie with the reality that is this least joyous of holidays. So the next time you sit down with your family to a wonderful holiday feast, remember me. Pity me. Please invite me to your house. Don’t make me go back to the tacky decorations, horrible food, and drunken boors of a family. Save me, PLEASE!
In mentioning the word Thanksgiving a variety of images come to mind. Images of a loving family surrounding an impeccably set table covered in a host of delectable foods might pop into your head; in essence, the picture of Thanksgiving that is presented in most lifestyle magazines. If you come for Thanksgiving at my house be prepared for a departure from this magazine perfection however. The actual Thanksgiving at my house is nothing like that at Martha Stewart’s house. In fact it is the exact opposite.
Have you ever seen pictures of the perfect table in the Martha Stewart Living Magazine or other similar magazines? What about the perfection that is presented on the various Food Network programs? Well, the table settings and decorations at my house this Thanksgiving were nothing like those pictures in magazines or on television. The table at my house was nothing short of tacky. How to describe the table at my house? Well let’s start with the table itself. The table was too small and had one leg shorter that the others. This caused it to tilt and rock at inopportune moments. The centerpiece, designed by my artistically challenged nephew, was neither stylish nor cute. In fact it was downright frightening. At each place were a mishmash of chipped plates and cheap tacky cutlery purchased at a from the markdown aisle of the dollar store. Then there were the candles. This brings me back to the rickety table, which when bumped by a visiting hound from hell, caused the flaming candle to tumble over setting ablaze the awful nephew designed centerpiece. Which was actually something to be thankful for! If you thought that Thanksgiving could not get any worse, be prepared to be amazed.
If the table and decorations are an important part of the Thanksgiving experience, then the food is of even greater importance. This past Thanksgiving the food was absolutely perfect — and if you believe this then I have some swampland to sell you in Florida. In actual fact the dinner was nothing short of vile. There were two kinds of food at Thanksgiving dinner this year: good foods poorly prepared and vile foods poorly prepared. In examining the menu let’s start with the turkey. The word dry comes to mind. So too does the word burnt. However, the firemen who visited the house to put out the oven fire probably would use the word incendiary. What was salvaged from the charred remains of the bird was then smothered in gravy — Mmm gravy. Well at someone else’s house you might enjoy the gravy; however, at my house the gravy is a tasteless, lumpy ooze. Now let’s examine the vile foods. There were bowls of Brussel Sprouts covered in slivered almonds and fried in delicious bacon. However, nothing can be added to cover the fact that these vile green vegetables are really just alien brains harvested at AREA 51 and sold to an unsuspecting public by our corporate masters from the military/industrial complex in an evil plot to turn us into mindless slaves. Yes, Brussel sprouts are that bad. Of course compared to turnip, Brussel Sprouts are nothing. Turnip, or as alternately known Soylent Orange, is the most vile food on this planet. As anyone knows, the main ingredient of Soylent Green products was — people. That’s right, PEOPLE! What turnip actually is I do not want to know? So the next time you sit down to a wonderful Thanksgiving meal, give thanks that your digestive system is not exposed to any food from our meal.
If the table and food are important to Thanksgiving, then family is the most important thing about Thanksgiving. After all, isn’t any holiday really about family? How would I begin to describe my family? Well, words such as inbred, drooling, slack-jawed, and yokel spring to mind. So do the words drunken and hillbilly. Every family get-together ends much the same. Drunken relatives fighting over the insignificant slights usually more in their schizophrenic imaginations than in reality. The fights invariably escalate into full-scale donnybrooks that result in calls to 911 and a visit to the police station to bail out Aunt Milly or Uncle Slim (who of course is 350 lbs.). My family has become so infamous that the local police have taken to stationing a cruiser outside my house during Thanksgiving to intercede in the inevitable drunken brawls that spill out into the cul-de-sac. No Thanksgiving at my house would be complete without the inclusion of that ragtag brood of miscreants that I have the displeasure to call family.
Mention the word Thanksgiving and definite images pop into my mind. Images of the perfect Martha Stewart Thanksgiving vie with the reality that is this least joyous of holidays. So the next time you sit down with your family to a wonderful holiday feast, remember me. Pity me. Please invite me to your house. Don’t make me go back to the tacky decorations, horrible food, and drunken boors of a family. Save me, PLEASE!